I approach this blog as memoir of a pilgrimage - I want the words to be the elixir discovered and brought back from the journey. These are words I wrote 2 years before my life crumbled into a zillion little pieces.
I had no idea when writing these words that my life would be heading in a different direction, a direction that included isolation, a level of loneliness that I did not know was possible.
But this is what I confided in the pages of my journal... "for the first time in my life I feel released to think about ME. I have regrets. I gave my all to so many, and left nothing for me. I feel like everywhere I turn, wherever my eyes fall, it all is screaming, Who Am I. How can one be 50 and asking this basic question?"
The words of the journal continues:
I am reading Seth Godin's book: Linchpin. It is challenging me. I realize I want to be connected to some sort of Legacy.
Everything in me feels like I am loosing something. It is almost as if I can sense death. I am walking away from loss and walking towards Love. What have a I lost? I can't name it but I feel it all around me. I am preparing to be alone. I ask - is my husband dying?
I have been by my husbands side, working in the trenches along side each other my whole life. I feel I am to create something on my own. I have no idea what. I know nothing outside of working with my comrade. I never once explore a calling, a purpose that is separate from him. I don't really have a identity outside of what we do together. I have always been okay with this. Why am I questioning something I have committed my whole life too?
My mindset is disturbing me. The conversations I am having inside my head. The new ways I am seeing the world.
I feel I should start building a mini empire to populate at a later time. I want to build a sanctuary that is not religious. A space where unimaginable love can be poured out. Where guidance and inspiration abounds. People can come and take whatever they need, whenever they need. I just want it to be a place where people know they can encounter the divine part of themselves. Without all the religious stuff, the shackles.
I have no idea what is brewing underneath all of this madness going on in my head. All I know is I appear happily married, well adjusted, intentional and yet my mind is illuminating that my basic human needs for certainty, significance and growth are unmet. Something is aloof.
In the vision of 20/20 hindsight, it is this very unsettledness that kept me here on this earth when all shattered. I knew that someone, something, had gone to great effort to till up the soil of my mind. No thing but the pages of my journal knew of this sacred preparation.
Photo by Estée Janssens on Unsplash