As I write these words I burst into tears - I guess that speaks to my fragile emotional state. I am fatigued of crying. In my last two phone calls with my coach - she has mentioned how she has been asked to step into greater leadership in her company and how challenging that is, this make me feel inferior. Why? So I have been chasing down this inferior feeling.
Steven Pressfields book "Turning Pro' comes to mind. I sit and read the whole 'little' book. He talks about settling into a shadow career - the place that disguises itself as the real deal. its the one that allows you to continue as a amateur - to play small. There it is.
That's what I do - hide - in the shadows and complain, critique - travel to a completely miserable state. Always avoiding the big risk. People who are pros and hiding love having a business partners, someone to cower behind, and lurk in their shadow. Given my strength of leadership, it is inevitable this leadership bubbles out and starts manipulating - am I making people my puppets? I envision what they should do - I see it perfectly - I demand, command, direct, observe, tweak, critique, pivot, inspire, encourage, motivate - ever the puppeteer. Then I have the audacity to get mad when I feel invisible, my puppets get all the credit.
But, now the puppets are all gone. I have no one to manipulate and I am lost. I don't pull myself up by the boot straps, rather I mourn, grieve, mope in darkness, blame, cry - all such amateurish stunts. If it were anyone else I would think - suck it up, get to work, work through the pain. I realize I am always scheming, planning, dreaming, finding excuses, evidence that I am not ready. I have clarity on my obstacles.
The thought of manifesting a better life - creates a big thud - it's sitting in the bottom of my stomach. I mask this feeling and honestly I am ambiguous in my visualizing - is this on purpose? All this scheming takes on mockery. What am I doing? I can't feel at ease with the reality that I am solely support myself financially after 35 years of doing it in a partnership. Deep down I am clueless, I am waiting for a Savior, a puppet to manipulate. I have perfect vision through the eyes of a puppeteer, but am completely blind in the naked image of myself. There is no road map for me, no path beat down from the wear, no feet have walked the road that leads to me. I must turn pro. I am at the end - this is the wall that humpty dumpty crashed and burned on. This is where I step up, I put myself back together. I change my shit. I show up for me, choose myself.
A memoir from my Journal dated 5/26/15.
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Photo by Chris Barbalis