Trust Issues

Trust Issues

I have daily conversations with people surrounding marriage. They come burdened, confessing their lack of trust. I have "Trust Issues", they say. What a tidy little label. They also have a burning question, "How can I rebuild trust?" Can you ... rebuild something so complex? The very definition of trust states, "a firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability or strength of someone". Something happened, devastating most likely, and now the person they hung the moon on, is no longer reliable. The firm belief in truth shattered beyond repair. The truth that sets you free is now entombed in your "trust issues".

I know this pain. As I have worked to become whole I don't want to forget the forsaken place from which I have traveled. It was 2013, I would spill out my thoughts, writing out the story of someone going through this experience in life. In the middle of it all, I said, "God, I need to trust you with ME". Frankly, I couldn't wrap my mind around where God fit into the mess of my life.

I would walk each day and recite out loud, all the things I entrusted to the God that was witnessing all of my pain. I could come up with about 20 things, my life, my tomorrow, my dog, my grown kids, my heart, my money, my health, my livelihood. And then I said it, I ask you to exchange my fear for trust. Because fear is what I knew really really well. It would paralyze me awake at 2am. And since I was being so honest, I peeled back another layer to the real issue. Choice.

I trust you with Choice. Because in those dark moments, what haunted me most was the realization of how little power I had over being choosable. My fear was not being chosen ever ever again. 

So one day in September of 2013 I wrote these words: 

"Oh God help me feel choosable. I don't feel choosable at the moment. It seems I am invisible to the world.  It can't see in me what I crave to be seen.  People don't see me as choosable. I must trust someone outside of myself with people's choices."

I found the only weapon against fear, rejection, and a sincere desire for control was TRUST in something greater, bigger than myself. This force that I turned to, I label it God. It seemed to always bring me back to myself, pointing to the inside of ME. Trust was mine to give, Choice was mine to make, Fear was mine to navigate, Rejection was mine to process. What was I going to do with all of this power? I felt invisible because I longed to disappear. I was convinced I was not choosable, because I couldn't imagine choosing my own needs above everyone else. I longed to blame others, everyone, anyone but me. 

The road to wholeness is when all roads point to you. Things will start to shift. In the light of brutal self-awareness, you yearn to trust, because that is what humans do, over and over again.

You don't sit on the side lines craving for someone to see in you something you can't catch a glimpse of. You hire someone to coach you to level up because you know there is something more that you can't quite grasp on your own, and this is your responsibility, not the responsibility of those you love. 

And about those "trust issues". You can't rebuild it, those that shattered it, don't become trustworthy, again. Trust is a gift, you give yourself. And then you are truly free to confidently share it at will, just because you want to give, and give and give. Even to the undeserving.

Photo by Robert Collins on Unsplash